Apocalypse Awakening

J__ was out of town this week and I didn’t get my porch time and man and I feeling it. The thoughts I couldn’t get on a page have multiplied and given birth and taken meth and are bouncing off every wall in my skull.

I just realized that I say the words in my head as I write them. Does everyone do that? Like, with inflections and tone and shit. Anyone else? Just me?!

Humans are weird. And cute. And beautiful and hateful and perfectly awful all the time. I have really been pondering the meaning of our existence lately, so much so that I had a mental breakdown in a CVS parking lot on Wednesday. I bawled and cried and SNOTTED over my steering wheel, trying to stay slightly upright lest I attract some concerned Good Samaritan. When I finally looked up from the Big Weep, there was a yard sign across the road that said, “Don’t Give Up.” LOL SO CORNY UNIVERSE!! Be so for real.

J__brought up his deep-seated worries about the future of our country. (Dude, I’ve fucking BEEN HERE pull up a chair!) He is mostly terrified about the economy and The Dollar, like any good accountant. He said he had been looking back at what happens to Empires when their currency fails and, well, “It’s not good.”

And then he added: “I haven’t really looked into what happens to the people.”

Funny, I hadn’t considered what happens to the currency. But I sure as fuck know what happens to the people, and to say “It’s not good” may be the understatement of the century. Holy fuck I have panic rising just writing all this. But of course I’m ahead of myself and this timeline; just reel me in to the present tense.

The birds are doing something new this morning – flying from bush to tree in a windy, noisy pack. The flutter is at about a 10.

I catch myself imagining the readers of this journal, and at times I catch myself writing for them. Is this funny? Entertaining? Boring? Am I repeating myself too much?

These have always been my concerns. Of course they’re playing out on these pages. In real life, I’m always hoping to entertain, to soak up emotion of the “other”, to mirror back exactly what they want. Of COURSE I find myself literally journaling for a future blog post.

Well, I mean this without harm or hate, but FUCK OFF/FUCK YOU future readers!! I mean, I’m sure you’re cool but I have to write for me, and you have to read for you. We both gotta do US, or we’ll fade and fade and fade and fade and fade…..into nothing. Little girls who no one ever saw, hiding behind couches and hoping their breathing wasn’t too loud, praying the giants all stayed asleep.